The scene is so stupid they might as well have been playing hopscotch. And what do they do? They all run out of their cells and play basketball in the middle of the cell block. Oh, how about this, a helicopter crashes through the roof of "New Alcatraz" at one point, accidentally freeing all of the inmates. Nothing else in the movie matters after that, it becomes a meaningless string of action sequences, most of which aren't even well choreographed. He's sentenced to five years, and that old line between determination and stupidity instantly vanishes. Sasha is an FBI agent working undercover and he agrees to let himself be sentenced to prison so he can get behind the criminal organization. Ja Rule looks like a rowdy 9-year-old every time he appears on screen. Every time I saw Ja Rule on screen the only thing I could picture was 50 Cent laughing his ass off. Just before I watched this movie I saw one of those shows on TV about the greatest celebrity feuds ever, and like number 7 or 8 was this rivalry between 50 Cent, who had lived the thug life for real, and Ja Rule. Speaking of Ja Rule, I have to say that the person who probably enjoyed his performance more than anyone else on earth, including Ja Rule himself, had to have been 50 Cent. You can't dress like that at most high schools in America. Oh, and there are guys wearing beanies and bandanas and whatnot. Ja Rule would have been shot about 30 times before he threw his second punch. You assault a corrections officer in a federal prison, they'll shoot you on the spot. Then before too long he and his friend are throwing punches, smacking around a couple of security guards. When Sasha, Steven Seagal's character, is being admitted into prison, he's standing shackled in line and wanders over to a different line so he can talk to his friend, like he's in line for the security check at the airport. Well, it's more like an airport mixed together with a junior high school but there are lots of guys running around wearing orange jumpsuits, so I guess in that way it's like a prison. Yeah, a long time ago it turned into a tourist attraction. Reviewed by Anonymous_Maxine 2 / 10 The Rock has become a tourist attraction?!? But I doubt it'll be high on anyone's "re-watchable" list. Say it ain't so! This is instantly forgettable (except I'm forcing myself to remember for the purposes of this review) and if you watch it, try to find it amusing in an A-Team kind of way. People getting kicked twenty feet through the air and sundry other ludicrous acrobatic nonsense. And then when it gets to any kind of one-on-one physical stuff, we get treated to a shabby Matrix rip-off, without the benefit of bullet-time. Yet somehow they miss? Even the A-Team would cringe at this foolishness. I mean, when someone runs down a narrow corridor and you fire a sub-machinegun at them, there isn't a whole lot of places the bullets can go other than down the corridor and into the target. Instead we got people firing guns a lot and not hitting a whole Hell of a lot. But all through the movie I kept hoping for that one great, defining fight scene. He's even witty in a way that Jean-Claude Van Damme will never be. Or how about the prison itself, which has an armoury that contains heavy machineguns and rocket-propelled grenade launchers? You also have a helicopter (bearing a striking resemblance to a Huey) with some kind of video game machinegun mounted in the nose. The plot holes are stupendously, glaringly large - for example, prisoners who, when the jail is invaded, fight the invaders rather than attempting to escape. An action movie so ridiculous that it at least made me smile right the way through. Finally, add in a main star who's getting saggy around the midriff and doesn't appear to be able to do his own stunts anymore. Throw in a bunch of people with really bad acting ability and who don't have real names. Then get a writer/director to pen a plot even Ed Wood would be ashamed of and who's too big a fan of The Matrix and John Woo movies for his own good. This film can be summed up as follows: Take an episode of the A-Team, remove the lovable and roguish characters such as Murdoch, Hannibal, Mr T and Face. We might even get to see him have a stick fight with somebody! Excellent! However, I was in for a rude awakening. I was thinking.A Steven Seagal movie! Cool! We'll get to see him kick people and flip people and break bones. Oh dear! What can I say about Half Past Dead? I was really disappointed in it. Reviewed by Rob_Taylor 4 / 10 Half Past Doughnut
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